So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
