I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
