You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
