life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
