i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
