Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
