I'm going to jail i love you
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
