I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
