While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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