4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
40s are totally the cure
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
