Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
