hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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