She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
