wanna go halves on a baby?
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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