I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
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we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
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Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I deserve this hangover.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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