i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
