Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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