I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
