My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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