I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
