I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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