were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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