Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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