happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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