The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
