I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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