Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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