Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
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thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
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You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
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