dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
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