drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
