Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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