Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
