i jhust puked up my retainher.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
