Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
