You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
