Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
