Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
