jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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