The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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