apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
