Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
