Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
