What did we do last night that was yellow?
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
