How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
