I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
