I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
