census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
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Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
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And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
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