i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
