Four minutes until I can fart!
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My feet surprised me
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