so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
pop tarts are not kleenex
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
