took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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