What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
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