Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
