My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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