I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
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I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
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After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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